#8 – Jezebel Phoenix

| November 9, 2011 | 0 Comments

I’ve been around.

That is, I think, the best way to sum it up.

Most of the early years are a complete blur. The fact that everything keeps changing so damn fast doesn’t hep either.

When the hell did we started carrying phones in our pockets again?

Anyways, I know it may sound a little hard to believe, looking the way I look.

That is, alive.

But, hey. I know who I am and I know where I’ve been and what I’ve seen. The rest is your problem.

Half the people I meet prefer to not believe, mostly because of what that would mean for their own personal believe systems, for science, for history and what not.

The other half likes to believe I’m just making stuff up.

Like I said, it’s their problem.

No one likes to hear that the messiah had a nice caboose. Either because its blasphemy or because it confirms there actually was a messiah.

So, I try to mostly keep to myself. When you’ve lived as long as I have, you tend to not get too attached to, well… Everything.

The people I know and the places I visit tend to end up turning to dust sooner or later. It used to hit me real hard. Left a big hole in me. Like the equivalent of phantom limb for nostalgia or something.

The children were the worst.

My… Children.

Lets just say no one cheered higher when we came up with the first condom and move on, OK?

As far as what I do, well… I’ve done a bit of everything.

Or at least everything they would let a woman do.

Even tried to get into the hero business once or twice. I think the first time was in 1722, when the concept first appeared. Then in the early 40’s but that just didn’t go well AT ALL. And one last time in the seventies.

Thank Buddha I stopped smoking whatever I was smoking back then. That costume… I’m sure there are pictures on your world wide web or somewhere in there.

I never did too well at the hero thing. Mostly because compared to guys who can build giant zeppelins, move mountains with their minds and turn into living energy, the amazing ability of “Not Dying” leave much to be desired.

It does have its perks though. I’ve never been sick in my entire life. Not even a cold. Not even a migraine. Never had any acne problems or anything of the sort.

Even my teeth are completely flawless!! And let me tell you, having leaved most of my life without knowing proper dental hygiene, that is saying something.

But anyway. Starting my own business was mostly a matter of necessity more than anything else. It’s real hard to open a bank account or take a loan when your birth certificate is a museum piece. OK, that was a joke. When I was born, the concept of birth certificates, fire and the freaking wheel had not occurred to us yet. But my condition does make me rely on cash a great deal.

So I started thinking what I could do with all of these millennia of experience that benefits from the fact that I cannot be killed no matter how hard you try.

It’s actually rather silly that it took me all this time to figure it out: Professional Bodyguard.

Got myself a license, a couple of people who are crazy enough to work both for and with me, and there you go!!

Now, don’t believe what the movies have told you: Being a bodyguard is mind numbing job. Cubicle drones get lucky compared to us. But then again the pay is GREAT, you get to meet interesting people and, once in a while, something blows up. Mostly because of me.

It’s a flaw of mine. I’ve been working on it.

So, what do you say kiddo?

You want in?

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Category: WTF

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