#13 – Kid Emo

| November 14, 2011 | 0 Comments

Julius Blackwell is the second known case of immortality on a human being.

Figures. Even on that, he couldn’t make first.

Julius was made clearly aware of this when he jumped off a 20 story building on his 18th birthday, a “Good bye, cruel world” note on a pink post-it plastered on his less hated Weepy Willow t-shirt. He was tired of all the shuffling his mortal coil had done so far.

His coil, turns out, wasn’t all that mortal to begin with.

Julius’ immortality is manifested on several ways:

One is his impregnable skin, which can’t be cut, burnt, penetrated or harmed in any way, as it absorbs all impact and evenly distributes the kinetic energy on to every skin cell, rapidly metabolizing it. This is what allowed him to survive the fall from the building.

Didn’t do much for the poor guy he fell on top of, though.

Second, we have the fact that, due to the way his body metabolizes energy, Julius no longer needs to sleep or eat. He no longer even needs oxygen, which he discovered after a consecutive 27 hours of being submerged in his bathroom tub, trying to drown himself. He would have lasted longer, but he then threw his pink iPod Nano into the tub to try and electrocute himself, only to have both the device and the mood in the room ruined


And finally, there’s the fact that whatever Julius does ingest is super-metabolized in the same way the kinetic energy he gets from impacts, or even simple solar radiation or heat from an open flame (like the one he put his head into during his therapy group camping trip) does, which is a sort of organic cold fusion. So every substance that enters his body is completely reduced to its basic components in a manner of seconds. So, for Julius’ body, there is no difference between drinking a glass of water or, say, a gallon of drain cleaner.

Except, unfortunately, for the taste.

What started as a misguided and very complicated journey to express his inner suffering and tortured soul had become a source of endless frustration to young Julius, now in his early 20’s. Any passerby would think that Julius would be OK with all the frustration, as he is keen on looking for new and fascinating ways to get depressed about stuff, yet he’ll always answer that he doesn’t like wasting a good sulk on non-sulk-worthy things.

When inquired on what exactly can be considered sulk-worthy or not, Julius will always comment that “you don’t understand my pain” and run to his room to have a good cry and try to cut his wrists. Then he’ll remember he can’t and will have a bad cry. Then he’ll go out there looking for something that can undo him as he so wishes to be undone.

Julius is not only a well known figure in psychiatric circles, having gone already through 32 different therapists, most of which have ended up killing themselves which only adds to Julius many frustrations, but is also a known fixture of the super-human community.

Especially of super villains.

He came in contact with his first super villain while at the mall, looking for a new leather wristband to go with his dark blue eye shadow.

The store was suddenly assaulted by the Stink Bug, a Z-List baddy known for excreting a highly corrosive and toxic acid on his unsuspecting victims. After taking all the money, Stink Bug in a sudden outburst of brutality, decided to kill all his hostages, spraying them with his acidic bulge gland. This did not work on our Julius though, and so the Bug kept spraying him, insisting it would have to work eventually.

Four hours later, and after lengthy and difficult talks with various hostage negotiators and even an FBI specialist, Julius finally let the Bug go. His bulge gland completely deflated, his eyes staring an empty stare into nothingness, he just kept repeating over and over that he “felt dirty”.

Even today, in his padded room on the Happy Cheeks Home for the Clinically Insane, “I feel dirty” is the only phrase he’ll say. Over and over.

Sometimes, he’ll shout it.

After that, Julius kept insisting and has tried climbing up the criminal ladder and confront bigger, meaner and more dangerous criminals to the point where many of the A-Listers of the super villain community have gotten restraining orders against “Julius Blackwell, a.k.a That Emo Kid”, which was then twisted into “Kid Emo” once the legal document were leaked by the National Enquirer.

And though he may not look it, Julius has proven to be a very successful crime-fighter, having single-handedly wiped out the Z, Y, X, W and V lists of super villains through his incredible powers of immortality and bumming the fuck out of everyone he meets.

He’s not the hero we want, nor the hero we need.

But he is kinda there…

He’s Kid Emo, and he wishes he was dead.

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Category: Humor, Superhero, WTF

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