Tag: D.C. Stuelpner

#5 Svetlana the Llama

| November 11, 2012 | 0 Comments

Svetlana Camelinskii was a new intern at a genetic engineering laboratory. Two weeks later her coworkers found Svetlana to somehow have been spliced with a llama. She didn’t seem to notice, so no one said anything. Work carried on as usual.

#4 Firesharter

| November 8, 2012 | 3 Comments

Armin Petrolli had the ability to shoot fire from any orifice of his choosing. Now that he’s getting up in age though, every expulsion is a gamble.

#3 Hermit Stab

| November 4, 2012 | 0 Comments

One day a lonely sailor decided to spank his seamonkey into what he thought was an empty seashell. To his surprise he ended up fathering a half-human half-hermit crab son whom he uncreatively named Herman. Knowing Herman would never be accepted amongst human society, the two stayed at sea until the sailor’s death. Herman was eventually captured by pirates and forced to join their crew. As pirates are wont to do, Herman lost a couple limbs. He was fitted with large blades and was dubbed Hermit Stab by the pun loving captain.

#2 Mustangerine

| November 2, 2012 | 2 Comments

While Gilbert Dancy was attempting to train a wild mustang in a tangerine orchard during a freak thunderstorm (just go with it), lightning struck. Gilbert awoke the next day a changed man. He now had the speed and strength of a tangerine with the Vitamin C content of a full grown mustang. His superhero career did not last long.

#1 Chupacandelabra

| November 1, 2012 | 0 Comments

It’s a well known fact that chupacabras are scientific alien experiments that have been draining Latin American livestock of their blood since the mid-90s. Or they used to. After many years of protesting and finally correctly filling out the proper paperwork, the chupacabra has been upgraded. Presenting the chupacandelabra. Now with the ability to cook their food. And be fancy about it.

#20 Imalittleteapot-Man

| November 29, 2011 | 1 Comment

Matt Yerbatski is a high ranking officer of the law and collector of teapots.  One particular teapot in his possession just so happens to be imbued with phenomenal cosmic powers.  By reciting the not to secret oath, the teapot engulfs Yerbatski forming an impenetrable suit around him, granting him unimaginable strength, the power of flight, and the ability to somehow pour scalding water from his hands when tipped over.

#19 Crazy Leica Fox

| November 25, 2011 | 0 Comments

Wildlife photographer Johnston Reynard was tracking foxes for a piece in National Geographic when he was hit in the head by a meteoroid killing him instantaneously. A curious fox approached the mysterious glowing rock and smashy-headed human and was mutated just enough to make his paws more dexterous, develop an interest in photography, and grow a fondness for Hawaiian shirts.

#18 Madam Peanut

| November 24, 2011 | 1 Comment

And now finally, the secret origin of the archenemy of Scott ‘n’ Snott! While on a class trip to a peanut packaging factory, Scott’s powers manifested for the first time sending student teacher Shelly Valencia flying into a gigantic barrel of peanuts. It took the workers over an hour to get her out. Short as her legume seclusion was, Ms. Valencia emerged forever changed. She gave up being a student teacher and instead became a student of villainy, vowing revenge on Mr. Spring for her ordeal. Shelly Valencia was no more. There is only Madam Peanut!

#17 Vacuucumber

| November 23, 2011 | 1 Comment

Boy genius Sammy Sativus never liked eating his vegetables. In attempt to make them suck less, he accidentally make them suck more. Far more than he could ever have possibly imagined!

#16 General Audience

| November 21, 2011 | 0 Comments

The baddest muffin fudger around.

#15 Sealed-Can Coelacanth

| November 19, 2011 | 2 Comments

Some time ago an alien craft crashed into the Earth’s ocean, injuring a coelacanth. Taking pity on the fish, the aliens brought it inside and froze it so that they might have some later project to work on in their free time while trying to repair their ship. 80 million unsuccessful years later they finally got bored. The coelacanth had its intelligence increased and was bonded to a robotic life-sustaining humanoid suit. It would be sent out from the alien’s underwater base to do whatever in the world above for their entertainment. It just so happens that it decided to become a superhero.

#14 Oyster Harvester

| November 18, 2011 | 0 Comments

We’ve all heard the saying “the world is your oyster.” Well, meet the Oyster Harvester. Posing as a high school guidance counselor, Floyd Meddleson spends his days stealing the potential of the teenagers he’s paid to help. The costume is just for home use.

#13 Blankitten

| November 15, 2011 | 1 Comment

While driving home during a thunderstorm Blanche Fitzcatrick hit an old woman who had darted across the street chasing after a cat.  When Blache got out of her car to check on the woman, she had vanished.  All that remained was a dirty old blanket from which a faint meowing could be heard.  The blanket was actually a gateway to the long forgotten Land of the Giant Kittens.  Peering into the bowels of cuteness, Blanche learned the secret of the blanket and took up the mantle of Blankitten, with the ability to spew forth giant extradimensional kittens whenever needed.

#11 Tar-tle & #12 Alliga-tar

| November 13, 2011 | 1 Comment


Thousands of years ago a turtle and an alligator fell into a tar pit whilst fighting. Today they emerge as the giant mutants Tar-tle and Alliga-tar to continue their eternal fight which– actually, it appears Alliga-tar won.

#10 Evan-cerator

| November 11, 2011 | 0 Comments

Evan-cerator got his name from killing on the dance floor…literally. No club would allow him entrance after the tenth body he turned into puree. Saddened by this development, Evan decided to take up modern dance so he could fully express himself. It wasn’t too hard finding participants willing to die for their art. Besides, if you happen to be one of the survivors, you receive a tasty meat shake.

#9 Cowbelladonna

| November 10, 2011 | 0 Comments

The daughter of a human and a minotaur, Belle was too beastly for the world of men and too human for the world of monsters. A cowbell was affixed to a collar around her neck to prevent her sneaking into either of the lands that wanted no part of her. (While her hands are not cloven, she does not possess the dexterity to remove the bell.) Cowbelladonna, as she came to be known, was adopted by the woods themselves learning witchcraft from the forest spirits, periodically sending out information gathering plants to learn about the goings-on outside of the forest. And if she does not like what she hears…well, she’s pretty proficient in poisons.

#8 Scalpula

| November 9, 2011 | 3 Comments

Scalpula was once a great and powerful vampire. That is, until he was beheaded. Luckily his accident occurred in an era where pigmy cows and industrial grade hamsters are plentiful.

#7 Green Grocer

| November 7, 2011 | 1 Comment

Alexis Floros is a greengrocer by day and the Green Grocer in the late afternoon. By consuming only the freshest of vegetables Alexis gains the ability to fly and throw produce with alarming accuracy.

#6 Goalem

| November 6, 2011 | 2 Comments

When Team Chutzpah’s goalie fell ill, Coach Rabbi Futboliwitz took dirt from the playing field and created the Goalem as his replacement. Nothing can get past its rock-solid defense.

#4 Spring Chicken

| November 4, 2011 | 7 Comments

Kenneth Fowler never had an easy life, always on the brink of a mental collapse from his high stress job as chicken farmer. The one thing he always prided himself on however was his youthful appearance and vibrant energy. So when at the doctor’s office for his decennial checkup he was told he was no longer a spring chicken and should slow down, Kenneth snapped. He barricaded himself in his house for weeks eating nothing but chicken while fashioning himself a chicken suit made out of chickens. One way or another he would be called a spring chicken once more. So far he’s just been referred to as “Crazy Kenny” and thus his hopping continues.

#3 Lady Limber Tea

| November 3, 2011 | 4 Comments

While attempting to rescue a seal from Boston Harbor, Chamomile Grey happened upon an intact airtight chest of tea from the Boston Tea Party. Upon drinking the aged leaves Chamomile gains increased flexibility, loosening her tendons as well as her bowels. On occasion she’ll employ her powers for crime-fighting but she mostly uses them to show off during her yoga class. When she utters her catchphrase “It’s Tea Time!” prepare to either be kicked in the face or served cucumber sandwiches.

#2 Rhyclops

| November 2, 2011 | 9 Comments

Dr. Ryan Ceros aka Rhyclops is the founder of the Rhinocereye Institute for Ophthalmological Rhinocerotidae Studies, inventor of the Cycloptic Animal Transmatter Shooter or C.A.T.S. (he’s currently looking for a more rhino inclined acronym), and pun aficionado. C.A.T.S. can shoot any number of animals housed in its DNA cartridge. Ryan has yet to find a valid reason to shoot kittens at his enemies however.

#1 Scott ‘n’ Snot

| November 1, 2011 | 10 Comments

Scott Spring is allergic to almost everything. When subjected to what would be deadly allergens, his body produces an abundance of sentient mucus known only as Snot who will carry him away from danger. If Scott is pursued by bullies and the like he can voluntarily expose himself to any number of allergens to bring forth Snot to fight his battles for him. The more allergic Scott is to a particular allergen, the stronger Snot becomes. Scott carries a single peanut in a plastic vial on him at all times for worst case scenarios.